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The Putter Attack/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW [ gunshots ] [ bird squawks ] harold: Welcome. Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, senior citizens, viewers everywhere, and all ships at sea and dry-docked boats, and boats sitting on concrete blocks in marine museums. It's time again for the most exciting outdoor show since "carnivorous carl's forest frog." bringing you the best in entertainment, a show involving trees. It's the one and the lonely "red green show," starring the man who brought you, like, the acting to the woods and wood to his acting. Here he is -- the bubbly and irreferable red green. Thank you, harold. Thank you, and welcome to possum lodge -- uh, the place that proves that nature hates a vacuum. We never use one. And speaking of vacuums, harold here is our producer, director, and all-around button pusher. And not just any buttons. This is my vertical flange, and this is my reverse pinwheel. Ha ha! It's called an a.D.O. Machine. A.D.O. -- That spells "ado," as in "much ado about nothing." anyway, it's been kind of a typical week up at the lodge. Old man sedgwick woke up the other day only to find out that his pants had been stolen while he was sleeping. So, anyway, he crawled up out of the ditch throat dusted himself off, started hitchhiking back to the lodge. But, by golly, he was having a tough time getting a ride 'cause people just are hesitant to stop for a guy who's got no pants on. It's just the kind of world that we live in now, you know? People are so darn suspicious. And then when a car would stop, old man sedgwick was a little suspicious. I mean, who would stop with a guy with no pants on? Plus the fact that he was a little bit confused and he'd forgotten which finger to use to hitchhike with. Luckily, stinky peterson was coming by, and he -- he picked him up and, uh, drove him up to the lodge here. But, by golly, old man sedgwick was pretty upset about the loss of his favorite red pants. You know, I-I think I might be a little bit more upset about waking up in a ditch and not having any idea as to how I got there. Well, I'm sure he was, too, the first time it happened. Anyway, uh, old man sedgwick says that we got to, you know, tighten up lodge security now. Well, I agree with him on that, you know, 'cause it's terrible around here, uncle red. I'm afraid to leave my valuable tv equipment. There's no locks in the doors. There's no doorknobs on the doors. In some places, there's no doors where there's supposed to be doors. Well, uh, harold, up here, we have an expression -- "if it ain't broke, don't fix it. And if it is broke, don't fix it." well, anyway, uh, noel christmas is our head of security, and, of course, old man sedgwick has put a bug in his ear, so he's gonna be tightening everything up. Hopefully it won't get in the way of the great, great, fabulous, superduper extravaganza show we got for you this week. Take it away, harold. You're talking about this show? Okay. [ chuckles ] [ keyboard clacking ] [ groaning ] is he dead? If he's dead, I'm in big trouble. Oh, big trouble. [ groans ] oh, he's alive. Okay, all right. All right. He's alive. Oh, no, he's alive. How come helmut's not sleeping in his cabin? Uh, he's, uh, unconscious. Oh, okay, then. All right. It -- it seemed somebody bashed him over the head with this club from that bag. Ohh. Oh, it was you, wasn't it? [ laughs ] oh, noel. Oh, in my opinion, noel, that was an error in judgment. [ laughs ] when he wakes up, he's gonna grab you by the ankles and make a wish. [ laughs ] it was his fault. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, everyone's supposed to use a password. Doesn't anybody get my memo? Oh, yeah, we get your memos. We just don't read them. You know, maybe what you should do is send out memos saying, "hey, read my memo." well, that's not gonna work. Wish I had something. So, noel, you shoot another lodge member here? He brained helmut with a golf club. Oh, for gosh sake. What is par for helmut's head? He -- he -- it was his fault. He didn't use the password. You know, I'm just gonna go get some ice, because when he wakes up, he's gonna be sore. [ chuckles ] yeah, he's right. If I was you, noel, I'd be out of here when he wakes up. Starship entry 222. Uh, book a flight to rio and a, uh -- and book a hospital room. Remember to cancel one of them. [ chuckles nervously ] oh, what happened? Someone forgot to yell "fore"? No, no, helmut forgot to yell the password. Oh, "password." there's a fun game. Not nearly as fun as golf, though. Well, I'm out of here. Well, that's odd. My bag feels one club lighter. The putter's missing, by the sound of it. Oh, no. Oh, no! My fuzzy zoeller putter is missing. My autographed fuzzy zoeller putter! Oh! My lucky autographed fuzzy zoeller putter has been stolen! Oh! My aluminum-headed lucky autographed fuzzy zoeller putter has been stolen in broad daylight! Do something! Noel, you're head of security. Uh-huh. Do something -- quick. Uh, I-I did! I implemented a system of passwords. Oh, good. Good, noel. Oh, good old noel. Good. You fight them, all right? When you find them, let me just have one minute with them alone. That's all I need. I will tear a divot out of their hide the size of a throw rug! I paid 500 bucks for that club. Who knows what it's worth now? Well, bob, you'd be surprised. [ spoons and guitar playing ] ♪ sometimes when I'm sleeping outdoors at night ♪ ♪ sometimes, sometimes ♪ ♪ I count all the stars ♪ ♪ and I can see they're, you know, in sight ♪ ♪ it takes a long, long, long, long, long time ♪ ♪ and it's pretty hard ♪ ♪ h-a-r-d ♪ ♪ and I start thinking ♪ ♪ "hey, if I'm not the one who started the argument ♪ ♪ why am I sleeping out in the yard?" ♪ this week on "handyman corner," we're gonna show you what you can do with an old fridge. You know, a fridge is kind of like a kid. Even when they don't work, you hate to throw them out. They end up sitting out on the back porch full of beer. And the same thing happens to fridges. So, I say to myself, "what do you do with an old fridge, eh? "think I can make something out of that? "how about another appliance? How about making it into a dishwasher?" okay, so, the first thing you need to do is to create a hole for your water coming in. So you go up to your fridge and you measure down about an arm, okay? Now, uh, if you don't believe that you have a standard-size arm, you could use half a leg. All right, now you want to just drill a hole in there. [ clears throat ] time is kind of of the essence here. All right, our water supply will go in there. Now, as far as the water goes, just a normal garden hose hooked up to your normal garden-hose outlet. We don't get fancy here. We just get effective. There we go. That brings back a few memories. All right. Now you want to disperse the water, uh, inside the fridge. Uh, you know, dishwashers have a lot of jets and so forth that sprinkles water around. Uh, how about staying with our garden motif here and installing a sprinkler? What you do is just maybe mount this up in here and maybe put this one down in the bottom. You know, it's pretty well wide open. I don't like that style. I like to be a little more creative. Take your hose. Put a real good knot in there. [ grunting ] and then you want to water-seal everything up, so use duct tape on the end of the hose, and, uh, I would ever wrap duct tape around where the hose goes actually into the unit. Now, when you turn the water on, the water's got nowhere to go. So what you do is grab a small, pointy screwdriver and maybe just... Sharpen her up a little and just punch a few holes right into the hose. And now you're ready to throw the dishes in there. Yes, got it all loaded up there. Cutlery can go right -- right nicely into the door. And if you are upset about this ugly-looking thing on the side, you can put this side of the fridge against the wall. And now we'll just put our detergent in there. Throw that into the butter tray. Okay. Close her up. You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna just throw a little chunk of duct tape on there. You know me -- mr. Safety. Okay, now I'll just go out and turn the hose on, and we can start washing dishes. [ water splashing ] [ clattering ] all right. Should be done now, I guess. Oh, boy. Isn't that something? [ chuckles ] uh...The cutlery's okay, but, uh...The dishes seem to have melted here. Oh, no, wait. Wait, wait, wait. Oh. All right, maybe we made the knot just a tad too hefty on this. We might have -- maybe -- maybe the sprinklers was a better way to go. But it works. I'm amazed. So, remember -- if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. This would probably be better for washing tools. [ speaks indistinctly ] uh, listen, you're pretty handy. Can you straighten that thing out? No, no, no! "it is autumn. "sitting in a duck blind, shotgun raised. "sighting down the barrel. "a duck floats closer and closer. "boom. "I blow its plastic head off. "if you'd be squatting here in the cold dampness "since 6:00 this morning, you'd be bored enough to shoot your decoys, too." red: Harold, what's the password? Well, just a sec. Well, what -- what time is it? 2:30. 2:30. 2:30, okay. That's between 2:00 and 3:00. So that's -- that's -- this is tomorrow's list. Okay. All right. Hold on. Hold on. Assassination. Okay. Assassination. Oh, it's okay, uncle red. Noel's not even here. He's hiding from bob and helmut. Oh. Okay, good. Well, helmut is up and about, but, uh, he can't remember his name or what he should have been wearing throat which is the same thing -- helmet. Kind of an unusual name, isn't it? You know, I used to think his parents were german, but it turns out they were in a motorcycle gang. Anyway, bob stuyvesant is making everybody's life a living hell around here, looking for this, uh -- looking for this putter. And what's the big deal? It's only a putter. I mean, it's not like it's a -- a lucky hat. Anyway, uh, between, uh, helmut's head and bob's one-track mind, noel's caught between a rock and a hard place. I'd sure hate to be noel right around now. Well, harold, I'd hate to be you anytime. So, bob has turned the whole lodge upside down looking for this putter. Why is it a man gets so emotional about their possessions and cars, and yet they treat their loved ones with such indifference? Oh, harold, give it a rest, will you? Take us into the next segment. Oh, yeah, okay. Uncle red, though, before we -- I was just wondering, you know? I didn't want to ask you in front of the guys, because I didn't want to seem like sexually naive or something, you know? But I was wondering, um, what -- what is a fuzzy zoeller? Oh, it's -- it's one of those cover things that golfers use on their clubs to protect them. Oh! Oh. Oh, yeah. Well, they sell those in the washroom at school. [ chuckles ] how's it going, douglas? What can I do for you? No, no, no. It's red. Oh, go jump in the water. It'll cool down. No, I'm red. You called me douglas. No, I didn't, glen. Oh, all right. All right. Well, helmut, do you have any idea who or what hit you on the head this morning? Oh, I don't have time for your head now. I-I got a pump here that needs servicing, young lady. Oh, well, that's good, 'cause you're one guy who can fix things, helmut. You know, my -- my mom used to hit me like that. It helped me sleep. You know, a cup of warm milk and a 2x4. Oh, well, well, helmut, do you think -- you think you could straighten up this, uh, putter? I have no idea how this happened. Do you have a mother, boyd? Uh, yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah, I have one of those. You're not gonna call me harold, are you? Do you call her a lot -- your mother? Well, now, "a lot" is a funny expression, helmut. If you mean more than once a year, then no. But -- but, you know, if I called her more often, I don't think we'd be as close. Why, I don't call my mom as often as I should, either. Uh, yeah, but, helmut, you live with your mother. Well, that -- that's no excuse. I-I could call. I-I could make the time. Doesn't she look like mamie eisenhower? Uh, all right. Yeah. Uh, you think you could -- you could straighten that out? Bob would really appreciate it, helmut. Well, I don't know, mamie. Aluminum head. The shaft might just snap when I try to straighten it out. That'll happen, you know? Mental fatigue. Well, if it happens, it happens. Uh, we got nothing to lose at this point, helmut. Okay. Well, I was afraid that would happen. Yeah, they just don't make them like they used to, huh? I'll tell you, that's one sturdy pump you got there, though. Thanks. Do you mind if I go call my mother? No, you go ahead. I'll see you later. Okay. Say -- say hi to red for me. Yeah, right, and -- and you say hello to your mother. Right. Hey, mom! Dad says hello! [ film projector clicking ] red: Uh, bill told me to meet him at the top of the cliff there. He was gonna do a little rappelling, so I thought he would be climbing up, but he was coming up -- oh! He scared the -- well, you know, he scared me, you know. Anyway, bill had all the ropes, and, uh, this is a real interesting kind of sport. It's, uh -- I'm not sure how old this is. What you do is you take a piece of rope, and there's a -- there's a technique. And, of course, bill -- you throw that down. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. And it's the way you wind the rope around, uh, your body. It's got to wind -- okay, under both legs. Yeah. And it goes around, under, and then up and through. Yeah, up and through. Up and through. Put that tight. Oh. Oh. No, he's all right. He's all right. Okay, you got to tell -- communication is a big part of the -- a big part of the game, as it is -- as it is -- as it is with --- yeah. So you can -- then he winds that around, and now you drop -- now he's ready to go, but, you know, bill started to think there's something -- he thought there was something he hadn't done, and -- and couldn't -- but what it was is he'd forgotten to tie the end to the tree. Unfortunate. Aah! Ohh! I think he could have got down there a little faster. And then he wanted -- wanted me to throw him some kind of a grappling hook so he could hook it onto the rope and then throw the rope back up and we could sort of start over. So he -- I didn't have a grappling hook. All I had, of course, was -- was an anchor. Yikes! Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! Can't believe I missed him. So, he, uh -- he picked up the anchor, and then he -- what he's gonna do is tie that onto the rope. And then this way he can, uh, throw me the rope back up, and then I'd have -- then I'd have the -- yeah, I'd have the rope. And then -- so I-I was wondering about throwing this up, but, you know, bill -- he's -- he's confident, you know? With no reason to be, really. And he'd give her another try. Up she goes. And this time, he's gonna really -- there we go. Oh! Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! Boy, that was lucky. So, you know, that's enough of that. He asked me to throw him down another rope, which -- which, of course, I did. Uh, but, here again, I-I hadn't really tied it to a tree, but I was gonna hold it and kind of balance him out, but, uh, one way or another, we were gonna get -- gonna get bill back up the cliff. Once he started with the bouncing and so on, uh, it -- it started to go a little better and he started to really make some progress. And pretty soon, he was right -- right up on top. And -- and one thing about bill -- if he doesn't get it right the first time, uh, he just, uh -- he just doesn't have the brains to quit. So, anyway, up he comes, and he's got a little bit of foliage there, but -- just something to start a conversation at a party, really. Another rope. Now here we go. Now we're going. First, step one, eh, bill -- tie her to the tree. We're not gonna make that mistake twice. Bill never makes the same mistake twice. Yeah, he's only been married the one time. Now he comes back, and he's got the r-- he's even got it wound around correctly and, uh -- I take that off. I didn't figure he'd want to bring in any television stations on his way down. Throw that over the side there, bill, and, uh, he's all set. He's all set. Got her tied to the tree, and, you know, of course, now he's sensitive. He's got a real -- real good tree there. Look at this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, looks good. Looks good. And away -- but, you know, the thing with trees is, you can -- you can never tell by looking at a tree just exactly how heal-- aaahh! Boy, oh, boy, oh, boy. Oh, and there goes the -- oh, oh, oh, oh. Boy, that w-- that was unfortunate, wasn't it? But, uh, he's okay, and, uh, one thing about bill -- he lives to rappel one more day. Red: Bazooka! Enter! Man, what is it with these violent passwords, harold? "decapitation," "bazooka." before that, it was "napalm," "gelignite." well, I think, see, it's all in noel's vocabulary. It reflects his personality. You can tell a lot about a person by their v-- by their vocabulary, you know? Oh, harold, don't be such a -- you know, a guy who knows stuff -- a smart guy. Anyway, this golf-club situation is coming to a head -- an aluminum head. Noel's skulking around all day with bob's putter between his legs, but he says he's gonna have everything straightened out by tonight's meeting. What you should do is tell the truth and let the chips fall where they may. Yeah, but these chips may be bits of noel. [ screeching in distance ] it's meeting time, uncle red. That's the call of the wild possum. Let's get down there, 'cause maybe, like, noel's gonna be dragged off to jail or maybe beaten up or something like that, you know? I don't want that to happen, but, you know, if it does, I don't want to miss it. Boy, you know, uh, every once in a while I get a glimpse that there may be hope for that boy. Excuse me a minute. [ screeching continues ] [ indistinct conversations ] all rise. All: Quando omni flunkus, moritati. Red: Sit down, everybody. [ clears throat ] the floor recognizes bob stuyvesant. Thank you, red. Someone -- someone here... Has taken my putter... [ all murmuring ] ...And done, uh, god knows what with it. Something sick, I'm sure. Now, I've asked for help, and no one has helped me. No one except noel. When I needed him, he was there. That's right. Set up security checks and passwords. Well, unfortunately, no one cares the way noel does. So I've decided to offer a $400 reward for the name of the criminal who swiped my lucky putter. Noel! It's noel! Shut up, stinky! I said that first! [ all shouting ] order! Order! Order! Settle down! Settle down! Settle down! Hey! Noel says he can explain it. Sure. Uh...No problem. [ chuckles ] I-I did it for bob's own good, I did, uh, because, well, uh, here I have some scorecards from golf games you played last week, and this was not a lucky putter. Uh, this -- this is a cursed putter. And -- and -- and that autograph was not fuzzy zoeller's. It -- it was forged. I-I checked it. Uh, forged by satan. Whoa! Wow! Just like a metallica video. So, bob, you know, I was just, uh, you know, helping you out there. You just take your reward money and buy yourself a real lucky putter, not like that other one. You know, chuckles on a lighter moment, uh, I would just like to, you know -- I went to smash that thing against the wall, and it was so inaccurate, it missed and hit helmut right in the head. What?! W-what did I come over here for, douglas? Douglas? Oh, uh, helmut, you were just gonna do your impression of mamie eisenhower. I was? Y-yeah. Yeah. And -- and you were gonna dedicate it to your mom. Oh, mom. Right. Yeah, yeah, so if there's no -- no further business, bill? No, okay, then, I'm gonna now turn it over to helmut to supply the evening's entertainment. All right, helmut! Thank you. Thank you. Uh, but first I would like to dedicate this to my mom, and I would like to do my rendition of mamie eisenhower welcoming dwight back from the war. "hi, dwight. It's me -- mamie." whoo-hoo! I'm, uh, glad to see noel, uh, standing up and taking responsibilities for his lies. I certainly hope it's not a precedent for the rest of us, though. Anyway, uh, if my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting, and I'll be bringing your anniversary gift, uh, depending on, you know, which stores are open. I know the 25th is silver, and the 50th is gold, and this is our 29th, which I believe is doughnuts. So I'll be bringing, uh, 29 honey-glazed doughnuts or thereabouts, depending on traffic. So, until next time, on behalf of myself and harold and the whole gang up here at possum lodge, keep your putter in your bag and, oh, yeah, keep your stick on the ice. "ooh, where did you get those medals? "they look very impressive. What is that one for? "oh, really? You courageous man. "and what's that one for? Oh, you did, single-handedly? Oh, very nice."